It’s impossible to escape the ‘Let Them’ theory. The self-help book has sold over 5 million copies and counting, taking over our Facebook feeds with viral social media clips. Mel Robbins summarizes the ‘Let Them’ theory as a way of freeing yourself from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you.
While the ‘Let Them’ theory is easy to think of as purely a self-development strategy, many of its core lessons can be applied to parenting teenagers. Mel Robbins recently released a bonus chapter, ‘Parenting with Let Them’, with advice for parents, grandparents, and guardians.
Although the ‘Let Them’ theory can be applied to parenting teenagers, there’s a nuance to it. Using the theory correctly and proactively can help you become a more effective parent and strengthen your relationship with your children. In this article, we’re exploring how this viral self-help theory can help you on your parenting journey and how it can lead to greater independence and emotional growth.
Table of Contents:
- What Is the ‘Let Them’ Theory by Mel Robbins?
- Who is Mel Robbins, Creator of the ‘Let Them’ Theory?
- ‘Let Them’ and ‘Let Me’: A Two-Part Approach
- Why ‘Let Them’ Is Powerful for Parenting Teens
- How to Implement the ‘Let Them’ Theory with Teens
- Don’t Forget About ‘Let Me’
- When ‘Let Them’ Doesn’t Apply for Parenting Teens
- How to Practice the ‘Let Them’ Mindset as a Parent
- FAQs about the ‘Let Them’ Theory and Parenting
Summary:
- The ‘Let Them’ theory, originated by Mel Robbins, is an approach based on accepting that you are unable to control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others. As a result, you should ‘let them’ act independently.
- This self-help practice can allow parents to avoid power struggles with their teenagers and support them in becoming more independent as they prepare for adulthood.
- It’s important to note that this approach doesn’t suggest abandoning your responsibilities, there are many situations where the ‘Let Them’ theory shouldn’t be applied to parenting teenagers.
- ‘Let Them’ isn’t about distancing yourself from your teenager, but instead allowing them the space to grow.
What Is the ‘Let Them’ Theory by Mel Robbins?
The ‘Let Them’ theory is based on the idea of relinquishing the need for control in situations where we never had it to begin with, including stopping the need to control the choices and reactions of others.
This self-help theory isn’t about becoming passive in situations, instead, it supports establishing emotional boundaries and personal freedom. Although commonly viewed as a self-improvement mindset, this theory can also positively impact how you parent your teenagers.
With the help of a ‘Let Them’ mindset, you can help your teenagers become more independent while managing your own emotions and responses. Before we dive into applying the theory to parenting, let’s cover the basics of the ‘Let Them’ theory.
Who is Mel Robbins, Creator of the ‘Let Them’ Theory?
Mel Robbins is the host and creator of ‘The Mel Robbins Podcast’, considered one of the most listened to podcasts in the world, helping her amass more than 28 million followers online with her teachings on positive behavioral change, mindset adaptation, and life improvement. Labelled by The Wall Street Journal as a “billion-view podcaster”, Robbins originally gained popularity for her first book, ‘The 5 Second Theory’.
Her latest book, ‘The Let Them Theory’, sold almost 4 million copies within its first four months of release, making it one of the most successful non-fiction books of all time.
‘Let Them’ and ‘Let Me’: A Two-Part Approach
‘Let Them’ is only part of this self-help theory. While it’s the first step, the second part is just as important. During moments of frustration and stress, tell yourself to “let them”. This step allows you to release control over the other person’s thoughts, actions, and beliefs. Trying to control something you can’t – like your teenager’s opinion – can cause even more stress and anxiety.
Once you embrace the ‘Let Them’ theory, you recognize that it’s not worth your time or energy to try controlling other people. The next step is to say, “let me” and accept that there are things you can control, including how you respond to your teenager and how you react to your own emotions.
Saying “let them” sets a boundary between yourself and the situation, whether it’s an argument with your teenager or a tricky situation at work. It’s not just an act of self-growth and protection, but also a sign of self-love. When you follow it up by saying “let me”, you’re intentionally choosing what to do with your time and energy.
This two-step approach makes it clear that in life, two things can be true at once. Your teenager might be disappointed that you won’t let them go out on a Friday night, but they can still respect and understand your decision.
Why ‘Let Them’ Is Powerful for Parenting Teens
While social media might be full of influencers and podcast episodes talking about using the ‘Let Them’ theory to boost their career or general outlook, we can also apply the main principles to parenting teenagers. It can be a helpful tool to manage your own emotional responses to tricky situations, helping you stay calm and embrace other parenting techniques, such as gentle parenting.
This self-help practice can allow parents to avoid power struggles with their teenagers. Raising teenagers can feel like a constant tug-of-war. Even the most patient parent can find themselves growing frustrated. If your teenager is struggling or displaying challenging behavior, whether it’s caused by exam stress or external influences like Andrew Tate, this tactic can help defuse situations before they start.
More pressure is rarely the solution to navigating the challenges of parenting teenagers. ‘Let Them’ is a powerful tool for engaging with teenagers as it can help you manage your own emotions while being more accepting, understanding, and flexible in your approach.
Drop the unnecessary power struggles and use the ‘Let Them’ theory to make stressful situations easier for you and your teenagers. This method can help you work with your kids, instead of leaving them feeling like you’re acting against them.
How to Implement the ‘Let Them’ Theory with Teens
Your teenager wants autonomy. It’s a natural part of growing up but trying to control them too much may result in resentment and resistance. As they grow up, there are times when you can “let them” do what they want or face the consequences of their actions.
Autonomy is a key developmental goal for teenagers as they progress to adulthood and too much control can be met with rebellion.
Here are examples of when you can implement the ‘Let Them’ theory with your teenagers:
- Let them disagree with you and have different opinions.
- Let them fail a class test they didn’t prepare for.
- Let them wear the clothes they want.
- Let them choose who they want to be friends with.
- Let them make decisions and face the consequences of their actions.
- Let them take responsibility for their mistakes.
- Let them find solutions to their problems.
Letting go and allowing your child to have autonomy by incorporating the ‘Let Them’ theory into your parenting style can improve your communication and build trust between you. This approach is the opposite of ‘helicopter parenting’, allowing you to support your teenager’s development and manage your own responses to difficult situations.
Every parent wants their teenager to thrive and be happy, but the more control you have over their life, the less motivated they’ll be and the more they may rely on outside help as an adult. Letting them have autonomy gives them the space to grow and learn through their own lived experiences.
Don’t Forget About ‘Let Me’
The biggest mistake parents make when embracing this approach is when they only focus on step one. Saying ‘let me’ is just as important as allowing your child autonomy. Every situation has its nuance, and there’s a healthy balance to be found between offering support and giving your teenager the autonomy they need.
You can let your teenager continuously oversleep and almost miss the bus, making it their responsibility to get themselves out the door in time. The next step would be to approach your teenager and ask if there’s anything you can do to make their morning routine easier.
When ‘Let Them’ Doesn’t Apply for Parenting Teens
There’s an important caveat to the ‘Let Them’ theory – it can’t, and shouldn’t, be used in every single situation. It’s important to note that this approach doesn’t suggest abandoning your responsibilities, whether it’s towards your teenager or your career.
Here are examples of when ‘Let Them’ doesn’t apply:
- If your teenager is doing something dangerous or discriminating against another individual. A genuine safety issue requires intervention, whether it’s drug use, unsafe driving, or physical violence.
- When their actions go against your values or household rules, it’s important to intervene and establish non-negotiable rules.
- If your teenager crosses your boundaries or is continuously disrespectful.
- If you have genuine mental health concerns for your teenager, including whether such problems may be the root cause of their behavior.
It’s important to find a healthy balance between guiding your teenager and micromanaging their life. Your teenager shouldn’t be able to do whatever they want but giving them autonomy – in the right ways – is crucial to their development. When you’re genuinely worried about their behavior or if the consequences would be more serious, the ‘Let Them’ theory should no longer apply.
As a parent, you would not let your teenager:
- Continuously miss important classes.
- Only eat junk food and takeout.
- Take illegal substances or alcohol.
- Engage in risky behavior with other individuals.
In these scenarios, it’s your responsibility as a parent to intervene and make them act in a certain way.
How to Practice the ‘Let Them’ Mindset as a Parent
It can feel overwhelming when you start using an approach like this to your parenting decisions and everyday life. Start small and self-reflect on why you want to control certain decisions that your teenager could have autonomy over, such as what they wear.
‘Let Them’ isn’t about distancing yourself from your teenager, but instead allowing them the space to grow. Incorporate phrases that show the trust you have in your teenager, while making it clear that you’re also there to support them. Phrases like “I trust you to do this” and “It’s up to you, but I’m here if you need any advice” allow you to detach yourself from the situation, while still being emotionally available for your teenager.
When a situation has low stakes, it’s the ideal time to use the ‘Let Them’ theory, whether it’s choosing what time of day to do their homework or what their extracurricular activities should be.
As a parent, there’s a third step to the ‘Let Them’ mindset: Let Me Work with Them. It’s an in-between approach, allowing you to express your concerns and point of view, while also inviting your teenager to be open about their own thoughts. This approach is ideal for situations where it’s not appropriate to use the ‘Let Them’ mindset, or where it isn’t working.
Choosing to collaborate and work with your teenager will make them more likely to see you as an approachable authority figure. You’ll have better communication and a more open relationship where your teenager feels like they can share their thoughts, rather than acting behind your back.
Source: Joseph Karges via Unsplash
FAQs about the ‘Let Them’ Theory and Parenting
1. What is the ‘Let Them’ theory?
The ‘Let Them’ theory, originated by Mel Robbins, is an approach based on accepting that you are unable to control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others. As a result, you should ‘let them’ act independently. This theory also encourages you to self-reflect on your boundaries, emotional reactions, and thoughts. It’s thought this approach can help reduce stress, support increased autonomy, and help improve relationships.
2. Is Mel Robbins’ advice realistic for parenting teens?
Yes, the advice of the ‘Let Them’ theory is realistic for parenting teens – in the right context. It’s a great way of helping your teenager become independent, but it’s important to look at every situation individually. You need to balance the need to give your teenager autonomy with understanding when boundaries and discipline are still necessary.
3. When should parents not ‘let them’?
Parents should not use the ‘Let Them’ theory when their teenagers are displaying self-destructive behavior or engaging in dangerous activities that have long-term consequences.
Parenting Teenagers with Trust Using the ‘Let Them’ Theory
Adopting the ‘Let Them’ approach doesn’t mean that you’re neglecting your responsibilities as a parent, instead, you’re showing respect towards your teenager’s autonomy. Parenting is a long game, after all, you’re raising a teenager who will soon be an independent adult, not a young child.
Are you unsure of how to incorporate these practices into your everyday parenting? Book a free consultation and let’s work together to build a trust-based relationship between you and your teenager.
